I keep dreaming of this girl

Blondish hair in extremely tight waves with dark roots

Down to the middle of her neck

At first she is hungry/almost obsessed with me

Later it's more tender

Always holding me

She loves me

Yet she has a man

"Purely sexual" she says

Though security is a giant factor

His work... a fledgling new television/content network

His work... becomes my work...

Creative and business genius radiate from me

But she is afraid

Afraid I will be killed by the dragons that guard material power

Afraid I won't accept her myriad traits, selves, and interests

I AM NOT AFRAID OF DEATH

I AM NOT AFRAID OF THE OCCULT

I AM NOT AFRAID OF TATTOOS

I am what I am...

that is many many things...

but I MUST Create!

I can take the 100 million I am lead too

and turn it into a billion

something to shake the world and touch it

if we only touch and cooperate!!!!!!!!!!!!!

or we can stay in our corners

with our realistic lie of fear

our lies of people and lives that are not eachother

and continue to bask in the pale lights of others

while the solar divine within us remains hidden forever     

How beautiful life was

When sex was not an option

There was no competition nor rejection

Only Art was Art

Expression was heaven

Soul did not wait

A woman's softness was her smile

A boy's worth was his fearlessness

Opening the world within eachother

Beholding One Thing

Wonder

When I was a small child the world of video games was like a wonderland.

Yet I myself owned nothing, the potential they represented captivated me.

I would scour the ad's in the paper and choose all the things I would buy.

First... 20k worth of stuff...then after afew weeks... 10k... then i considered if my dad made enough money... ad my wants dropped to 5k worth of games....

This constant churning of my yearnings kept on with no relief in sight...

The only solace was to forget... to be distracted by something other than my lack...


Want is want

Be it in the form of toys and things....

Or it becomes woman and sex

It is the same impulse

Dreaming of all that can be

Hopes dimming with each dose of reality that intrudes one's false prison

........


I have grown to love very afew people....

Some I have grown to hope for something beyond even sex

Yet life, distance, circumstance again and again gives my doses of "Reality"

and my hopes spiral down and down

from dreams of best friends who are also soulful lovers

to friends who mean alot to one another

to people with alot of mental/emotional history that holds no sway or makes no difference in real life

to people who are too distracted by either too much going on or nothing going on at all to see eye to eye... muchless feel heart to heart



standing here

dumbfounded

struck with a cold iron rod through my chest

I am not perfect

I am sure i failed those who mean something to me

Afflicted their hearts and bodies with pain

Yet the hands that murder

Are connected to a heart that loves

I often still don't recognise

The stranger parts of me that flow within me like oil and water

Love covered in fear

Fear covered in power

Nothing answers the question


Why am I alone?


How come I can touch hearts and souls... but not bodies?


Why love can exist on some other plain and make no difference on this one.


I don't want to be that numb being... that does not heed nor honor the commitment and devotion others have given...

I want to honor it.... but circumstance does not open that door for my hands, smile, or body to walk through

Only my spirit lingers

My body rots

Forgotten

While lesser beings

Gifted with circumstance and physical nearness

Are gifted with the bodies of my loved ones

Able to smile, live, and feel those I cherish

Why?

Do I lack something?

Am I not greater than every kiss you take?

Will my spirit not hold you into and far beyond old age?

Why must the strong be forsaken

And the needy attended/given too

Was I not there for you?

Every step of the way

Answer me

With your body

With your light

Look at me with eyes of flesh

and take my hand

do not allow us to be

alone again    

This has been going on for a month....

But this week... I got my first driving ticket

Everytime i close my eyes I dream of my dead mother... being selfish and doing bad witchcraft... trying to make me drink black blood....

Dreamed of my beloved cat's side's spilling out

Buisness has been terrible

Lost my only physical friend cause of a stupid comment I said

Smashed my Ipod screen by accedent (I am ultra careful with my electronics...)

My solar plexus energy center feels introverted

My emotions range from lonely, desperate, to darker shades of the two

I feel cursed



HELP! Pray to whatever compassionate beings that exist... cause they seem not to hear me..... please lift this darkness from my life.................


I don't know what to do

I want to think this darkness is a classic "your not where your supposed to be" signs...

But I don't have any idea where to go or the finances to get there....


I did dream of being a massage therapist in a world-class resort on some island... but it was owned by a russian crime billionaire... whom i served for a long time... but ultimately erased him and all his men when i had enough of living in someone else's world.


.............. mercy.  

It occurs to me that the source of my frustrations are not nessicerly the standard "learn to accept what is and flow with what is around you".

Even within one world, space, enviorment their are many orders of magnitude present.

There is the world of microbes, the world of animals, the world of lesser and greater people.... and the many sub spheres that inhabit them all.

I am a "person"... because i am in this body... yet i live the lifestyle of a reluctant worker. I seethe and rage because my aura/mind/spirit surge within me wanting to roar like a  hurricane...

because.... I am of a greater magnitude of existance than my present circumstances present.

I am a shaper of dreams, a leader of men, a mother of worlds.... a creator.

Yet i am living in everyones dream but my own.

I feel I must walk whatever road nessicery to conduct the greater part of me into this life, body, and mind.... till i Will to Create as effortlessly as I do in my dreams and visions.

This begins with this moment of self reflection

An acknowledgement that while I am NOT emotionally/physically where I am supposed to be.... my spirit/core forever IS shining down on my like the sun... from a place of infinite power and pleasure.

The world is mine when my emotional heart can sigh with pleasure.... that these two hands of flesh are simply bits of dust.... caught up in the galactic stream of my magnificence.

The stream that carries countless universes upon it's waves.

a letter i wrote to my dear mahate that i will share with all of you.....

I discovered this blog about mudras (hand positions) and after some experimenting I have found they totally work!

http://www.healthmad.com/Mental-Health/Health-in-Your-Hand-Seven-Mudras-for-Amazing-Health-Benefits.49665

the mudra of life really gives me alot of energy

the mudra of earth really made my skin look better / body feel stronger

and the mudra of knowledge really curbed my depression! woo!



i am happy to discover yet another method one can heal themselves

another tool that a little knowledge gives us

and it does not cost a penny!

spread the joy if it works for you.

I want to thank the many kind souls for their support and rays of kindness.

I got a job! I am now working at Massage Envy here in San Antonio, TX.

Also discovered wearing an emerald pendant makes my heart/emotions feel stronger and more secure.

Also had a bout with a "happy pizza"... ordered a pizza that made me euphoric and content... unfortunately it did'nt work with the 2nd pizza I ordered afew days later.

Praying for the times of peace to hold us all in full spectrum elemental beauty.

May we all share tea and smiles someday!

   - Asher (Zo)

nothing is real anymore

everything hides in some type of fear, pain

love is not enough

for there is nothing to conduct it

my tongue only sounds malice

my eyes only shoot hate

sinking heart of loneliness

pushing, pushing, with much venom

all those i would hope to love

shattered, scattered to the winds of chance

circumstance gives them love, regret

my will is to circumvent that

and do nothing

no karma

no action

just atrophy

a still abyss

mental abortion

waste

away

my hungering hope

leave nothing behind

for nothing is before me

nothing is within me

echoes of failure

for nothing reflects

the invisible me

My ex has needs

My beautiful, sweet, smart ex has needs

Needs outside of my center

I have a core of fear

She has a core of hunger

Though I have the Strength to be a Master

I don't want to bother...

I don't want to be "topped from the bottom"... controlled by needs...

So she begged, pleaded, made many efforts to make me the source of those needs

But it never felt right....

Our happiness was in spectacular "normal sex"...

Tear dropping beautiful normal sex...

Two souls meeting in a center of acceptance

But that is not enough for her......

So she wanders off....

it's natural

everyone moves on

but I frown

because the smile I remember

her smile

is now strapped to some dominator's table

getting butt fucked

sucking cock

searching for herself

going through the metal and physical meat grinders

...... don't get me wrong

i did some messed up shit in the name of experimentation

but i moved on

those things never replaced Heart

never sated the hunger for intimacy

and I imagine this realization is what keeps me in my solitude...

some holes... cannot be filled with anything but Truth....

nothing else matters

I Love

but I Hurt!

I don't want to smile and witness her explorations

I feel so alone.....

I imagine it is her feeling alone that leads her to this...

but unfortunately all I want is my "pace" and "speed"...

I am scared, freaked out and lonely....

I wish there was a slender, simple soul mate out there...

our language is hugs, touch, and heart...

no more words...

no more sorrow...

just a cocoon is intimacy

like two cats in love...



I am feeling farther and farther from this modern life and society...

I just want some key soul family members... then escape into mother earths beauty...

fuck this needless struggle......

unnecessary pain that leads to nothing

there must be a happy life somewhere

somewhere where trust leads to goodness

and every feeling leads to peace...



one by one my every friend, hope, and interest is falling away

like rotting branches

an autumn of my soul

i feel nothing but coldness coming

more sleep for the god of sleep

waiting for nothing

yet again