Foreshadowing
Posted on Jul 12th, 2008
by 
Zo
Zo
I keep dreaming of this girl
Blondish hair in extremely tight waves with dark roots
Down to the middle of her neck
At first she is hungry/almost obsessed with me
Later it's more tender
Always holding me
She loves me
Yet she has a man
"Purely sexual" she says
Though security is a giant factor
His work... a fledgling new television/content network
His work... becomes my work...
Creative and business genius radiate from me
But she is afraid
Afraid I will be killed by the dragons that guard material power
Afraid I won't accept her myriad traits, selves, and interests
I AM NOT AFRAID OF DEATH
I AM NOT AFRAID OF THE OCCULT
I AM NOT AFRAID OF TATTOOS
I am what I am...
that is many many things...
but I MUST Create!
I can take the 100 million I am lead too
and turn it into a billion
something to shake the world and touch it
if we only touch and cooperate!!!!!!!!!!!!!
or we can stay in our corners
with our realistic lie of fear
our lies of people and lives that are not eachother
and continue to bask in the pale lights of others
while the solar divine within us remains hidden forever
Blondish hair in extremely tight waves with dark roots
Down to the middle of her neck
At first she is hungry/almost obsessed with me
Later it's more tender
Always holding me
She loves me
Yet she has a man
"Purely sexual" she says
Though security is a giant factor
His work... a fledgling new television/content network
His work... becomes my work...
Creative and business genius radiate from me
But she is afraid
Afraid I will be killed by the dragons that guard material power
Afraid I won't accept her myriad traits, selves, and interests
I AM NOT AFRAID OF DEATH
I AM NOT AFRAID OF THE OCCULT
I AM NOT AFRAID OF TATTOOS
I am what I am...
that is many many things...
but I MUST Create!
I can take the 100 million I am lead too
and turn it into a billion
something to shake the world and touch it
if we only touch and cooperate!!!!!!!!!!!!!
or we can stay in our corners
with our realistic lie of fear
our lies of people and lives that are not eachother
and continue to bask in the pale lights of others
while the solar divine within us remains hidden forever
Access: PublicTagged with: i am willing, love me for real
Re-collection
Posted on Mar 4th, 2008
by Zo
Zo
How beautiful life was
When sex was not an option
There was no competition nor rejection
Only Art was Art
Expression was heaven
Soul did not wait
A woman's softness was her smile
A boy's worth was his fearlessness
Opening the world within eachother
Beholding One Thing
Wonder
When sex was not an option
There was no competition nor rejection
Only Art was Art
Expression was heaven
Soul did not wait
A woman's softness was her smile
A boy's worth was his fearlessness
Opening the world within eachother
Beholding One Thing
Wonder
Tagged with: sister save me
I am done with it
Posted on Mar 4th, 2008
by Zo
Zo
When I was a small child the world of video games was like a wonderland.
Yet I myself owned nothing, the potential they represented captivated me.
I would scour the ad's in the paper and choose all the things I would buy.
First... 20k worth of stuff...then after afew weeks... 10k... then i considered if my dad made enough money... ad my wants dropped to 5k worth of games....
This constant churning of my yearnings kept on with no relief in sight...
The only solace was to forget... to be distracted by something other than my lack...
Want is want
Be it in the form of toys and things....
Or it becomes woman and sex
It is the same impulse
Dreaming of all that can be
Hopes dimming with each dose of reality that intrudes one's false prison
........
I have grown to love very afew people....
Some I have grown to hope for something beyond even sex
Yet life, distance, circumstance again and again gives my doses of "Reality"
and my hopes spiral down and down
from dreams of best friends who are also soulful lovers
to friends who mean alot to one another
to people with alot of mental/emotional history that holds no sway or makes no difference in real life
to people who are too distracted by either too much going on or nothing going on at all to see eye to eye... muchless feel heart to heart
standing here
dumbfounded
struck with a cold iron rod through my chest
I am not perfect
I am sure i failed those who mean something to me
Afflicted their hearts and bodies with pain
Yet the hands that murder
Are connected to a heart that loves
I often still don't recognise
The stranger parts of me that flow within me like oil and water
Love covered in fear
Fear covered in power
Nothing answers the question
Why am I alone?
How come I can touch hearts and souls... but not bodies?
Why love can exist on some other plain and make no difference on this one.
I don't want to be that numb being... that does not heed nor honor the commitment and devotion others have given...
I want to honor it.... but circumstance does not open that door for my hands, smile, or body to walk through
Only my spirit lingers
My body rots
Forgotten
While lesser beings
Gifted with circumstance and physical nearness
Are gifted with the bodies of my loved ones
Able to smile, live, and feel those I cherish
Why?
Do I lack something?
Am I not greater than every kiss you take?
Will my spirit not hold you into and far beyond old age?
Why must the strong be forsaken
And the needy attended/given too
Was I not there for you?
Every step of the way
Answer me
With your body
With your light
Look at me with eyes of flesh
and take my hand
do not allow us to be
alone again
Yet I myself owned nothing, the potential they represented captivated me.
I would scour the ad's in the paper and choose all the things I would buy.
First... 20k worth of stuff...then after afew weeks... 10k... then i considered if my dad made enough money... ad my wants dropped to 5k worth of games....
This constant churning of my yearnings kept on with no relief in sight...
The only solace was to forget... to be distracted by something other than my lack...
Want is want
Be it in the form of toys and things....
Or it becomes woman and sex
It is the same impulse
Dreaming of all that can be
Hopes dimming with each dose of reality that intrudes one's false prison
........
I have grown to love very afew people....
Some I have grown to hope for something beyond even sex
Yet life, distance, circumstance again and again gives my doses of "Reality"
and my hopes spiral down and down
from dreams of best friends who are also soulful lovers
to friends who mean alot to one another
to people with alot of mental/emotional history that holds no sway or makes no difference in real life
to people who are too distracted by either too much going on or nothing going on at all to see eye to eye... muchless feel heart to heart
standing here
dumbfounded
struck with a cold iron rod through my chest
I am not perfect
I am sure i failed those who mean something to me
Afflicted their hearts and bodies with pain
Yet the hands that murder
Are connected to a heart that loves
I often still don't recognise
The stranger parts of me that flow within me like oil and water
Love covered in fear
Fear covered in power
Nothing answers the question
Why am I alone?
How come I can touch hearts and souls... but not bodies?
Why love can exist on some other plain and make no difference on this one.
I don't want to be that numb being... that does not heed nor honor the commitment and devotion others have given...
I want to honor it.... but circumstance does not open that door for my hands, smile, or body to walk through
Only my spirit lingers
My body rots
Forgotten
While lesser beings
Gifted with circumstance and physical nearness
Are gifted with the bodies of my loved ones
Able to smile, live, and feel those I cherish
Why?
Do I lack something?
Am I not greater than every kiss you take?
Will my spirit not hold you into and far beyond old age?
Why must the strong be forsaken
And the needy attended/given too
Was I not there for you?
Every step of the way
Answer me
With your body
With your light
Look at me with eyes of flesh
and take my hand
do not allow us to be
alone again
Tagged with: hope is sorrow
Help!
Posted on Dec 17th, 2007
by Zo
Zo
This has been going on for a month....
But this week... I got my first driving ticket
Everytime i close my eyes I dream of my dead mother... being selfish and doing bad witchcraft... trying to make me drink black blood....
Dreamed of my beloved cat's side's spilling out
Buisness has been terrible
Lost my only physical friend cause of a stupid comment I said
Smashed my Ipod screen by accedent (I am ultra careful with my electronics...)
My solar plexus energy center feels introverted
My emotions range from lonely, desperate, to darker shades of the two
I feel cursed
HELP! Pray to whatever compassionate beings that exist... cause they seem not to hear me..... please lift this darkness from my life.................
I don't know what to do
I want to think this darkness is a classic "your not where your supposed to be" signs...
But I don't have any idea where to go or the finances to get there....
I did dream of being a massage therapist in a world-class resort on some island... but it was owned by a russian crime billionaire... whom i served for a long time... but ultimately erased him and all his men when i had enough of living in someone else's world.
.............. mercy.
But this week... I got my first driving ticket
Everytime i close my eyes I dream of my dead mother... being selfish and doing bad witchcraft... trying to make me drink black blood....
Dreamed of my beloved cat's side's spilling out
Buisness has been terrible
Lost my only physical friend cause of a stupid comment I said
Smashed my Ipod screen by accedent (I am ultra careful with my electronics...)
My solar plexus energy center feels introverted
My emotions range from lonely, desperate, to darker shades of the two
I feel cursed
HELP! Pray to whatever compassionate beings that exist... cause they seem not to hear me..... please lift this darkness from my life.................
I don't know what to do
I want to think this darkness is a classic "your not where your supposed to be" signs...
But I don't have any idea where to go or the finances to get there....
I did dream of being a massage therapist in a world-class resort on some island... but it was owned by a russian crime billionaire... whom i served for a long time... but ultimately erased him and all his men when i had enough of living in someone else's world.
.............. mercy.
Tagged with: whatever is left is about to die
an order of magnitude
Posted on Dec 16th, 2007
by Zo
Zo
It occurs to me that the source of my frustrations are not nessicerly the standard "learn to accept what is and flow with what is around you".
Even within one world, space, enviorment their are many orders of magnitude present.
There is the world of microbes, the world of animals, the world of lesser and greater people.... and the many sub spheres that inhabit them all.
I am a "person"... because i am in this body... yet i live the lifestyle of a reluctant worker. I seethe and rage because my aura/mind/spirit surge within me wanting to roar like a hurricane...
because.... I am of a greater magnitude of existance than my present circumstances present.
I am a shaper of dreams, a leader of men, a mother of worlds.... a creator.
Yet i am living in everyones dream but my own.
I feel I must walk whatever road nessicery to conduct the greater part of me into this life, body, and mind.... till i Will to Create as effortlessly as I do in my dreams and visions.
This begins with this moment of self reflection
An acknowledgement that while I am NOT emotionally/physically where I am supposed to be.... my spirit/core forever IS shining down on my like the sun... from a place of infinite power and pleasure.
The world is mine when my emotional heart can sigh with pleasure.... that these two hands of flesh are simply bits of dust.... caught up in the galactic stream of my magnificence.
The stream that carries countless universes upon it's waves.
Even within one world, space, enviorment their are many orders of magnitude present.
There is the world of microbes, the world of animals, the world of lesser and greater people.... and the many sub spheres that inhabit them all.
I am a "person"... because i am in this body... yet i live the lifestyle of a reluctant worker. I seethe and rage because my aura/mind/spirit surge within me wanting to roar like a hurricane...
because.... I am of a greater magnitude of existance than my present circumstances present.
I am a shaper of dreams, a leader of men, a mother of worlds.... a creator.
Yet i am living in everyones dream but my own.
I feel I must walk whatever road nessicery to conduct the greater part of me into this life, body, and mind.... till i Will to Create as effortlessly as I do in my dreams and visions.
This begins with this moment of self reflection
An acknowledgement that while I am NOT emotionally/physically where I am supposed to be.... my spirit/core forever IS shining down on my like the sun... from a place of infinite power and pleasure.
The world is mine when my emotional heart can sigh with pleasure.... that these two hands of flesh are simply bits of dust.... caught up in the galactic stream of my magnificence.
The stream that carries countless universes upon it's waves.
Tagged with: wake up!
letter
Posted on Nov 1st, 2007
by Zo
Zo
a letter i wrote to my dear mahate that i will share with all of you.....
Thank you sweet pea:)
I got my first massage job today.
I am living in san antonio, TX and now working at massage envy.
So far it is a positive atmosphere with good people.
I am looking forward to the fruits of labor.
Things have smoothed out with my friend tiffany...
But my feelings have strengthened with wearing an emerald pendant and discovering the potent practice of "mudras"
Mudras have really strengthened my body, energy, and esp mind! My depression is much much weaker thanks to this practice.
I have made it a habit of eating a large plate of broccoli and carrots everyday
then later follow it up with a big plate of peaches and berries!
and everyday i have organic milk with whey protein
a long way from my hedonistic food habits of my past
it was my will to strengthen myself to be a strong soul and fighter that lead me down the healthy path
for what good is cultivating our soul and building a home if one cannot defend it? lol
thank you for your presence
i would love to hear about your life
i understand it is not likely that the doors of your life and it's details will swing wide open after all these years
but i would appreciate it... the chance to vibe, flow with your offerings
I admit it is true no one can forsake us but ourselves...
this last dark night of the soul felt like every regret and darkness of my dead mother was placed upon me
i felt her helpless impotency toward herself and life
but luckily the universe rescued me
by the work of my hands in massage
and the signs/seals of my hands
suddenly things are looking up
because i am looking up
and then i feel
even if my dear cherished ones are far
and we rarely speak
even then i should cherish the physical memory and spiritual reality of our goodness
and not obscure it with dark clouds of frustration, anger, and depression
it is always dark somewhere
it is always light somewhere
in the sky
and in my heart
when emotions learn to move
they can chase the day
with hope
compassion
and love
love you
my first
my compassionate initiator
who held a raging god
before he was birthed
and still gaze upon him
as he slips from the iron womb of his own gripping fear
into the brilliant existence of actuality
to be beheld by all
and to hold all
that are sent to him
by the air
water
and fires of creative longing
I got my first massage job today.
I am living in san antonio, TX and now working at massage envy.
So far it is a positive atmosphere with good people.
I am looking forward to the fruits of labor.
Things have smoothed out with my friend tiffany...
But my feelings have strengthened with wearing an emerald pendant and discovering the potent practice of "mudras"
Mudras have really strengthened my body, energy, and esp mind! My depression is much much weaker thanks to this practice.
I have made it a habit of eating a large plate of broccoli and carrots everyday
then later follow it up with a big plate of peaches and berries!
and everyday i have organic milk with whey protein
a long way from my hedonistic food habits of my past
it was my will to strengthen myself to be a strong soul and fighter that lead me down the healthy path
for what good is cultivating our soul and building a home if one cannot defend it? lol
thank you for your presence
i would love to hear about your life
i understand it is not likely that the doors of your life and it's details will swing wide open after all these years
but i would appreciate it... the chance to vibe, flow with your offerings
I admit it is true no one can forsake us but ourselves...
this last dark night of the soul felt like every regret and darkness of my dead mother was placed upon me
i felt her helpless impotency toward herself and life
but luckily the universe rescued me
by the work of my hands in massage
and the signs/seals of my hands
suddenly things are looking up
because i am looking up
and then i feel
even if my dear cherished ones are far
and we rarely speak
even then i should cherish the physical memory and spiritual reality of our goodness
and not obscure it with dark clouds of frustration, anger, and depression
it is always dark somewhere
it is always light somewhere
in the sky
and in my heart
when emotions learn to move
they can chase the day
with hope
compassion
and love
love you
my first
my compassionate initiator
who held a raging god
before he was birthed
and still gaze upon him
as he slips from the iron womb of his own gripping fear
into the brilliant existence of actuality
to be beheld by all
and to hold all
that are sent to him
by the air
water
and fires of creative longing
Tagged with: passing on the resolve to love
helpful
Posted on Oct 31st, 2007
by Zo
Zo
I discovered this blog about mudras (hand positions) and after some experimenting I have found they totally work!
http://www.healthmad.com/Mental-Health/Health-in-Your-Hand-Seven-Mudras-for-Amazing-Health-Benefits.49665
the mudra of life really gives me alot of energy
the mudra of earth really made my skin look better / body feel stronger
and the mudra of knowledge really curbed my depression! woo!
i am happy to discover yet another method one can heal themselves
another tool that a little knowledge gives us
and it does not cost a penny!
spread the joy if it works for you.
http://www.healthmad.com/Mental-Health/Health-in-Your-Hand-Seven-Mudras-for-Amazing-Health-Benefits.49665
the mudra of life really gives me alot of energy
the mudra of earth really made my skin look better / body feel stronger
and the mudra of knowledge really curbed my depression! woo!
i am happy to discover yet another method one can heal themselves
another tool that a little knowledge gives us
and it does not cost a penny!
spread the joy if it works for you.
another side of it all
Posted on Oct 30th, 2007
by Zo
Zo
I want to thank the many kind souls for their support and rays of kindness.
I got a job! I am now working at Massage Envy here in San Antonio, TX.
Also discovered wearing an emerald pendant makes my heart/emotions feel stronger and more secure.
Also had a bout with a "happy pizza"... ordered a pizza that made me euphoric and content... unfortunately it did'nt work with the 2nd pizza I ordered afew days later.
Praying for the times of peace to hold us all in full spectrum elemental beauty.
May we all share tea and smiles someday!
- Asher (Zo)
I got a job! I am now working at Massage Envy here in San Antonio, TX.
Also discovered wearing an emerald pendant makes my heart/emotions feel stronger and more secure.
Also had a bout with a "happy pizza"... ordered a pizza that made me euphoric and content... unfortunately it did'nt work with the 2nd pizza I ordered afew days later.
Praying for the times of peace to hold us all in full spectrum elemental beauty.
May we all share tea and smiles someday!
- Asher (Zo)
Tagged with: back
dead
Posted on Oct 24th, 2007
by Zo
Zo
(my ex was kidnapped at knife point, beaten, and sexually assaulted
I alienated my best friend because i am threatened by her new life and her ex
I am truly and absolutely alone)
I alienated my best friend because i am threatened by her new life and her ex
I am truly and absolutely alone)
nothing is real anymore
everything hides in some type of fear, pain
love is not enough
for there is nothing to conduct it
my tongue only sounds malice
my eyes only shoot hate
sinking heart of loneliness
pushing, pushing, with much venom
all those i would hope to love
shattered, scattered to the winds of chance
circumstance gives them love, regret
my will is to circumvent that
and do nothing
no karma
no action
just atrophy
a still abyss
mental abortion
waste
away
my hungering hope
leave nothing behind
for nothing is before me
nothing is within me
echoes of failure
for nothing reflects
the invisible me
I Want To Die by Mortal Love
I'm too tired of this life
All I need is my big sleep
You are so far away
You love someone else
Another day passed me by
Another day filled with pain
You are not here
You're with someone else
I love you to death
You love someone else
So I just wanna die
Create hate
I hate myself for loving you
"We have touched for the last time
You are long gone, in love with someone else
I now fear nothing but life itself
And I have learned that living is just a slow way to die
I do not believe in life or in love anymore.
The joy I feel are the joys of emptiness
I hate myself for loving you
The fear I feel night after night has developed into a disease
No-one can see the emptiness in my eyes.
To escape life itself now seems the only solution
With relief i look foward of letting go of the pain
Finally... there is peace in my soul
To lie dead without a concern , without a tear,
You own my heart
And life without you is so imensly painful
Just to think of you, talk about you, dream of you makes tears stream down
my face
I cannot imagine happiness without your beautiful smile, your angelic face,
your wonderful body and your good heart:
You are everything , I am nothing
I want to die
But really... I am already dead"
I will not live
I'm too tired of this life
All I need is my big sleep
You are so far away
You love someone else
Another day passed me by
Another day filled with pain
You are not here
You're with someone else
I love you to death
You love someone else
So I just wanna die
Create hate
I hate myself for loving you
"We have touched for the last time
You are long gone, in love with someone else
I now fear nothing but life itself
And I have learned that living is just a slow way to die
I do not believe in life or in love anymore.
The joy I feel are the joys of emptiness
I hate myself for loving you
The fear I feel night after night has developed into a disease
No-one can see the emptiness in my eyes.
To escape life itself now seems the only solution
With relief i look foward of letting go of the pain
Finally... there is peace in my soul
To lie dead without a concern , without a tear,
You own my heart
And life without you is so imensly painful
Just to think of you, talk about you, dream of you makes tears stream down
my face
I cannot imagine happiness without your beautiful smile, your angelic face,
your wonderful body and your good heart:
You are everything , I am nothing
I want to die
But really... I am already dead"
I will not live
Tagged with: gone
mates of life
Posted on Oct 15th, 2007
by Zo
Zo
My ex has needs
My beautiful, sweet, smart ex has needs
Needs outside of my center
I have a core of fear
She has a core of hunger
Though I have the Strength to be a Master
I don't want to bother...
I don't want to be "topped from the bottom"... controlled by needs...
So she begged, pleaded, made many efforts to make me the source of those needs
But it never felt right....
Our happiness was in spectacular "normal sex"...
Tear dropping beautiful normal sex...
Two souls meeting in a center of acceptance
But that is not enough for her......
So she wanders off....
it's natural
everyone moves on
but I frown
because the smile I remember
her smile
is now strapped to some dominator's table
getting butt fucked
sucking cock
searching for herself
going through the metal and physical meat grinders
...... don't get me wrong
i did some messed up shit in the name of experimentation
but i moved on
those things never replaced Heart
never sated the hunger for intimacy
and I imagine this realization is what keeps me in my solitude...
some holes... cannot be filled with anything but Truth....
nothing else matters
I Love
but I Hurt!
I don't want to smile and witness her explorations
I feel so alone.....
I imagine it is her feeling alone that leads her to this...
but unfortunately all I want is my "pace" and "speed"...
I am scared, freaked out and lonely....
I wish there was a slender, simple soul mate out there...
our language is hugs, touch, and heart...
no more words...
no more sorrow...
just a cocoon is intimacy
like two cats in love...
I am feeling farther and farther from this modern life and society...
I just want some key soul family members... then escape into mother earths beauty...
fuck this needless struggle......
unnecessary pain that leads to nothing
there must be a happy life somewhere
somewhere where trust leads to goodness
and every feeling leads to peace...
one by one my every friend, hope, and interest is falling away
like rotting branches
an autumn of my soul
i feel nothing but coldness coming
more sleep for the god of sleep
waiting for nothing
yet again
My beautiful, sweet, smart ex has needs
Needs outside of my center
I have a core of fear
She has a core of hunger
Though I have the Strength to be a Master
I don't want to bother...
I don't want to be "topped from the bottom"... controlled by needs...
So she begged, pleaded, made many efforts to make me the source of those needs
But it never felt right....
Our happiness was in spectacular "normal sex"...
Tear dropping beautiful normal sex...
Two souls meeting in a center of acceptance
But that is not enough for her......
So she wanders off....
it's natural
everyone moves on
but I frown
because the smile I remember
her smile
is now strapped to some dominator's table
getting butt fucked
sucking cock
searching for herself
going through the metal and physical meat grinders
...... don't get me wrong
i did some messed up shit in the name of experimentation
but i moved on
those things never replaced Heart
never sated the hunger for intimacy
and I imagine this realization is what keeps me in my solitude...
some holes... cannot be filled with anything but Truth....
nothing else matters
I Love
but I Hurt!
I don't want to smile and witness her explorations
I feel so alone.....
I imagine it is her feeling alone that leads her to this...
but unfortunately all I want is my "pace" and "speed"...
I am scared, freaked out and lonely....
I wish there was a slender, simple soul mate out there...
our language is hugs, touch, and heart...
no more words...
no more sorrow...
just a cocoon is intimacy
like two cats in love...
I am feeling farther and farther from this modern life and society...
I just want some key soul family members... then escape into mother earths beauty...
fuck this needless struggle......
unnecessary pain that leads to nothing
there must be a happy life somewhere
somewhere where trust leads to goodness
and every feeling leads to peace...
one by one my every friend, hope, and interest is falling away
like rotting branches
an autumn of my soul
i feel nothing but coldness coming
more sleep for the god of sleep
waiting for nothing
yet again
Tagged with: no where to be found
dreams
July 2008 