The Return?

I have been away for many months... experiencing "relationship" at a level I have always dreamed and have come to dread. When growing up my blindness and fear of social situation and society carried me into a predetermined mindset.. "always alone"... I came to take Pride in that. I created my own world's and way, devouring external entertainment almost as much as my internal dreams.

I was the self-exiled Hermit. I answered to no one. Not my parents.. I had no friend's, just myself, sovereign of Nothing, but it was Mine.

I had relationships, but they could not survive in the barren desert of my self-ish mind and heart. My Way of Life is very much material death... for I have not been able to hold down a job, and 99% of the time have no desire to make a living or play the game. The result's are obvious, no one can make a relationship with no Home. And no friends can be made if I never speak to anyone.

The Internet has been the large portal of my consciousness into the world. I have connected with afew spectacular souls. Yet the distance still stings... a hollow echo that the Spirit fill's with a vibrant mist that is so bright.... but so easily the Wind of local perception carries it away.

This latest relationship... with a Moon Priestess who was the FIRST to come to ME. She touched my self-exalted spirit into realm's far deeper than I even took myself. Meeting and loving face to face became the only thing left, the accent on our Omnipotent Soul Song....

But the flesh is poison. And the material world carries karma's and drives all it's own. The Mind it's own reality... apart from Spirit, a reality connected to the experiences of memory, the sickness of family, and the conditioning of our psyche.

Our Eternal Bliss was devoured by our Incarnations. Our psychologies and memories clashed... our Ego's, empowered by our spiritual dominance turned our gentle hand's into dragon claw's... lion's fang's. Our Meeting birthed an Intensity beyond anything. In that Gravity... Rage, Anger, Hatred.... every shadow imaginable sparked between Us Whom We Love Most.

I was at a loss... I did'nt know what THAT was.... is it the karma of our genetic line? Is it shadow spirit's/parasite's drawn to our gravity? Is it our "true" self so deeply threatened by a mirror of such clear and personal power? Or was it the TRUE self that was coming through... that appear's as abysmal darkness when pressing against this reality... until it comes through the Gates of Hell, and is Birthed into our Saturn Sky's?

Twice me and my Priestess have come together and apart. Each time more thunderous than the next. I have never touched Rage so deep. She has never felt Anger so consuming. Never have we Lost ourselves... till there was no choice but to ride the Lava Rivers that flow from our Material Core's.


In actual life... not spirit... not dream... I have slept 80% of my days away. I feel no drive... I just want to Dream. I feel shift's in my mind and energy... and while I desire money, things, and material accomplishment... it does not carry me, move me. It is like the Wind's of this World do not touch my Wings... it is as if I am blind, deaf, and dumb to everything in this world EXCEPT for the creativity of it's soul's, and my own creativity.

Watching Anime... like Bleach, Naruto, ect...

TV like The 4400...

RPG's on the PS2 and XBOX 360...

that is the only thing that even faintly touches me...

those world's where energy is seen, and the Heart can carry one to the Top of "Mt Olympus"...

I want to stand on the highest peak and stare at the heavens...

I want to visit the monk's in there temple's in india, china, and japan

I want to be able to educate and touch people... I want to INSPIRE...

But my resolve fail's me... I seem not to honestly BELIEVE in these two hand's of mind...

I am constantly comparing my body to others in this world... seeing how everyone is more rich, more educated, more loved... and I give up...

but obviously, I have not given up totally

I AM still... here...

I drink in the nectar of vision

I am still in my massage school, afew more months till I graduate... then money won't be so much of a problem...

I know there is no real Answer...

only Time, and actual Living...

It still make's me sigh

my heart, spirit, and vision would be at home in the CEO/King seat

but I chose to come at the bottom of every latter

and my spirit swell's when I see all the stories of the Hero's struggle from Nothing... to the Peak...

I obviously chosen to make that Journey... but was cursed with alittle too much self conscious foresight... perhaps if I was in a smaller world where I did'nt see how far people have come, where there was nothing to compare too... only my studies, training, and self awakening to considerate on... I would not have hesitated so endlessly.

NOW is now, THIS is the experience I have made... no amount of what if's will change a thing.


If you resonate... Connect

I am a roof and foundation with no Pillar's in-between...

Who will touch Heaven with Me?

Who will pour the River's of Life into the Earth with Me?

Who will Stand with Me?

Connect me, Connect eachother, I AM ONE... but I am not the Only One.