I am done with it

When I was a small child the world of video games was like a wonderland.

Yet I myself owned nothing, the potential they represented captivated me.

I would scour the ad's in the paper and choose all the things I would buy.

First... 20k worth of stuff...then after afew weeks... 10k... then i considered if my dad made enough money... ad my wants dropped to 5k worth of games....

This constant churning of my yearnings kept on with no relief in sight...

The only solace was to forget... to be distracted by something other than my lack...


Want is want

Be it in the form of toys and things....

Or it becomes woman and sex

It is the same impulse

Dreaming of all that can be

Hopes dimming with each dose of reality that intrudes one's false prison

........


I have grown to love very afew people....

Some I have grown to hope for something beyond even sex

Yet life, distance, circumstance again and again gives my doses of "Reality"

and my hopes spiral down and down

from dreams of best friends who are also soulful lovers

to friends who mean alot to one another

to people with alot of mental/emotional history that holds no sway or makes no difference in real life

to people who are too distracted by either too much going on or nothing going on at all to see eye to eye... muchless feel heart to heart



standing here

dumbfounded

struck with a cold iron rod through my chest

I am not perfect

I am sure i failed those who mean something to me

Afflicted their hearts and bodies with pain

Yet the hands that murder

Are connected to a heart that loves

I often still don't recognise

The stranger parts of me that flow within me like oil and water

Love covered in fear

Fear covered in power

Nothing answers the question


Why am I alone?


How come I can touch hearts and souls... but not bodies?


Why love can exist on some other plain and make no difference on this one.


I don't want to be that numb being... that does not heed nor honor the commitment and devotion others have given...

I want to honor it.... but circumstance does not open that door for my hands, smile, or body to walk through

Only my spirit lingers

My body rots

Forgotten

While lesser beings

Gifted with circumstance and physical nearness

Are gifted with the bodies of my loved ones

Able to smile, live, and feel those I cherish

Why?

Do I lack something?

Am I not greater than every kiss you take?

Will my spirit not hold you into and far beyond old age?

Why must the strong be forsaken

And the needy attended/given too

Was I not there for you?

Every step of the way

Answer me

With your body

With your light

Look at me with eyes of flesh

and take my hand

do not allow us to be

alone again